Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Clamspringa - 2013: The Aftermath, The Hangover, The Constipation
Every year, our good friends who reside outside of Saint Louis open their home and their hot tub to their closest friends for a long weekend of binge drinking and debauchery. Since they are lucky enough to also be the proud owners of a sizable backyard us Chicago kids, amazed by the wide-open space, set up camp in the backyard and become 'The Clampers' for the weekend.
Clamspringa, proceeded by the original 'Clam Bake' and last year's 'Burning Clam' marked the 3rd anniversary of these Clam-centric festivities. And this year, it was more fun than ever. Each year consists of the same activities, we wake up early, drink a lot, eat a lot, get in the hot tub, set some shit on fire, and pass out before midnight. Followed by the next day of getting up early, making breakfast, going to Schnucks (for more Bud Light and Chips), and repeating the day all over again.
For the past two years, Sunday marked the day of the 'Family Party' where a big BBQ was hosted to intermingle the friends and the family. Unfortunately, since The Clampers had already spent most of their day drinking, smoking, and sun bathing, it was a little difficult to mix these two elements without some mild hilarity ensuing. This year, the family portion of the itinerary was nixed in lieu of the strictly Clamper BBQ. However, mild hilarity still managed to ensue.
Our recently divorced pilot friend 'Bob' brought his new Bottom B along to meet everyone. Sweet girl, gullible girl, a total Bob girl. Granted some of this gullibility could be contributed to her only being 23, some of it could be that she rarely ventures outside of Des Moines, Iowa. In either case, she truly was very nice, once she stopped trying so hard to 'say something' and get attention. For example, none of The Clampers, including the Father and Mother of Clamspringa have children. In fact, none of us want kids. One of the big reasons that we can all take off for Memorial Day weekend every year for this much needed weekend of debauchery is because we don't have kids and are all happily Child Free.
Well Sally, don't let your head explode over that one! When she found out that she was among the happily Child Free, she looked around blankly and remarked 'What do you mean you don't want kyyyydz?'. Followed immediately by 'AMY, HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT KYYYYDDZZZ?' when she realized that she did not garner the attention she wanted with her previous statement. Getting annoyed, I decided to smack this down to move on with the conversation and ask Sally, why on EARTH would anyone want a 'Fuck Trophy', 'Crib Lizard', or 'Flesh Loaf' of their very own when my husband and I get to take off to spend a weekend with great friends at the drop of a hat? Well, not surprisingly, she didn't have much of a retort, if any, that I can remember as I was knee deep into a case of beer. But maybe, just maybe, by meeting new people she opened her eyes to a lifestyle that she didn't know she could have.
But what do I know? That is the same night I drank half a 5th of Belvedere 'Intense' and fell in the hot tub, twice. Then woke up the next day to do it all over again.
Now that we are safe and sound at home and the 'Clamper' gear is put away until next time, I can sit and reflect on how lucky John and I are to have such amazing people in our lives to spend a long weekend with. And that not everyone is as lucky as we are to have that, girls like Sally may be a good example of that.
But until next year, or at least for the rest of the week it is time to get back to reality, nurse my bruised knees from my epic descent into the hot tub, lose the 10 pounds of Bud Light that has managed to take up residence in my mid-section, and eat something that is not from the makers of Frito Lay.
Clamspringa, proceeded by the original 'Clam Bake' and last year's 'Burning Clam' marked the 3rd anniversary of these Clam-centric festivities. And this year, it was more fun than ever. Each year consists of the same activities, we wake up early, drink a lot, eat a lot, get in the hot tub, set some shit on fire, and pass out before midnight. Followed by the next day of getting up early, making breakfast, going to Schnucks (for more Bud Light and Chips), and repeating the day all over again.
For the past two years, Sunday marked the day of the 'Family Party' where a big BBQ was hosted to intermingle the friends and the family. Unfortunately, since The Clampers had already spent most of their day drinking, smoking, and sun bathing, it was a little difficult to mix these two elements without some mild hilarity ensuing. This year, the family portion of the itinerary was nixed in lieu of the strictly Clamper BBQ. However, mild hilarity still managed to ensue.
Our recently divorced pilot friend 'Bob' brought his new Bottom B along to meet everyone. Sweet girl, gullible girl, a total Bob girl. Granted some of this gullibility could be contributed to her only being 23, some of it could be that she rarely ventures outside of Des Moines, Iowa. In either case, she truly was very nice, once she stopped trying so hard to 'say something' and get attention. For example, none of The Clampers, including the Father and Mother of Clamspringa have children. In fact, none of us want kids. One of the big reasons that we can all take off for Memorial Day weekend every year for this much needed weekend of debauchery is because we don't have kids and are all happily Child Free.
Well Sally, don't let your head explode over that one! When she found out that she was among the happily Child Free, she looked around blankly and remarked 'What do you mean you don't want kyyyydz?'. Followed immediately by 'AMY, HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT KYYYYDDZZZ?' when she realized that she did not garner the attention she wanted with her previous statement. Getting annoyed, I decided to smack this down to move on with the conversation and ask Sally, why on EARTH would anyone want a 'Fuck Trophy', 'Crib Lizard', or 'Flesh Loaf' of their very own when my husband and I get to take off to spend a weekend with great friends at the drop of a hat? Well, not surprisingly, she didn't have much of a retort, if any, that I can remember as I was knee deep into a case of beer. But maybe, just maybe, by meeting new people she opened her eyes to a lifestyle that she didn't know she could have.
But what do I know? That is the same night I drank half a 5th of Belvedere 'Intense' and fell in the hot tub, twice. Then woke up the next day to do it all over again.
Now that we are safe and sound at home and the 'Clamper' gear is put away until next time, I can sit and reflect on how lucky John and I are to have such amazing people in our lives to spend a long weekend with. And that not everyone is as lucky as we are to have that, girls like Sally may be a good example of that.
But until next year, or at least for the rest of the week it is time to get back to reality, nurse my bruised knees from my epic descent into the hot tub, lose the 10 pounds of Bud Light that has managed to take up residence in my mid-section, and eat something that is not from the makers of Frito Lay.
Monday, April 29, 2013
32, and Happily Child Free
I always knew that having children was not the right thing for me to do. Even when I was a small child some of my earliest memories involve me distinctly disliking other children, baby dolls, playing 'house', and anything else that would try to turn a little girl into a future mommy. I can probably psychoanalyze my aversion toward children but I don't want to get into that today. The point of the day is that these feelings only get stronger the older I get. And the older I get, the happier and more self-assured in my decisions I become and that includes being child free.
In high school, when I proclaimed that I don't want children now or ever I was always met with a patronizing stare and the retort that 'I'll change my mind someday'. Or worse, being told that women who don't want children are immediately dismissed as 'selfish' or 'not normal'. These kind remarks have come from everywhere and anyone; from my own family, school teachers, friends, and the media. Because all 'normal' women breed and just luuurve little baaybeees, right? Well, not all women do and I am one of those women.
It wasn't until college that I began to discover people who were like-minded in the child free lifestyle, what the child free lifestyle is, and that it is okay to be child free. My roommate, who I credit as being the first self-proclaimed child free woman that I have met introduced me to a wealth of information on the Internet for people who don't want kids and who are proud and happy of their decision, including the famous and now defunct 'Brats Rant Page'. After pouring over page after page of ranting of the hell that the child free go through being assaulted by breeders and their ill-behaved offspring, courage from child free people who are successful and who dare to not become another societal drone following some imposed life-script, and people who are fulfilled and happy to be who they are without children. I began to truly understand that you don't have to do something just because you are always told that is the way everyone should live. It was okay to not want to have children and still live a happy, normal, and fulfilled life. It wasn't just okay to be child free, it was fabulous to be child free.
But the issue is, where are these proud child free people represented in our day to day society? Sure, we have some online blogs and support groups. But as far as our mass media is concerned, the pressure to breed is bearing down upon us and time is ticking for women to make sure they 'have it all' before it is too late. You can't make it through a checkout line without seeing the latest headline of some celebutwat who is either knocked up or rumored to be so. Even fashion magazines kowtow to the breeder machine by telling us that our 30's are the time to get married, squirt out a few crib lizards, and still manage to get that promotion. I know that I am not the only woman walking the earth who finds this breeder-centric attitude revolting. So where are the child free and why don't we have a share of the voice? It is time in our society that we begin to accept the child free as a viable sector of the community. People who are smart, funny, have great jobs, great friends, loving spouses, and who love their lives without knowing the supposed 'joy' of birthing some progeny who may just be another future mediocre asshole.
I am here to say out loud that you don't have to breed to be a happy adult. Being a happy adult means making the decisions that are right for you, regardless of the people who will bear down on you to do what they think is 'right' or 'normal'. I guess those people are just proof that misery loves company and having to slave away tending to sickly or otherwise disappointing children is there lot in life, it is not for everyone. It is definitely not for me, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'll dare to be happy on my own terms.
In high school, when I proclaimed that I don't want children now or ever I was always met with a patronizing stare and the retort that 'I'll change my mind someday'. Or worse, being told that women who don't want children are immediately dismissed as 'selfish' or 'not normal'. These kind remarks have come from everywhere and anyone; from my own family, school teachers, friends, and the media. Because all 'normal' women breed and just luuurve little baaybeees, right? Well, not all women do and I am one of those women.
It wasn't until college that I began to discover people who were like-minded in the child free lifestyle, what the child free lifestyle is, and that it is okay to be child free. My roommate, who I credit as being the first self-proclaimed child free woman that I have met introduced me to a wealth of information on the Internet for people who don't want kids and who are proud and happy of their decision, including the famous and now defunct 'Brats Rant Page'. After pouring over page after page of ranting of the hell that the child free go through being assaulted by breeders and their ill-behaved offspring, courage from child free people who are successful and who dare to not become another societal drone following some imposed life-script, and people who are fulfilled and happy to be who they are without children. I began to truly understand that you don't have to do something just because you are always told that is the way everyone should live. It was okay to not want to have children and still live a happy, normal, and fulfilled life. It wasn't just okay to be child free, it was fabulous to be child free.
But the issue is, where are these proud child free people represented in our day to day society? Sure, we have some online blogs and support groups. But as far as our mass media is concerned, the pressure to breed is bearing down upon us and time is ticking for women to make sure they 'have it all' before it is too late. You can't make it through a checkout line without seeing the latest headline of some celebutwat who is either knocked up or rumored to be so. Even fashion magazines kowtow to the breeder machine by telling us that our 30's are the time to get married, squirt out a few crib lizards, and still manage to get that promotion. I know that I am not the only woman walking the earth who finds this breeder-centric attitude revolting. So where are the child free and why don't we have a share of the voice? It is time in our society that we begin to accept the child free as a viable sector of the community. People who are smart, funny, have great jobs, great friends, loving spouses, and who love their lives without knowing the supposed 'joy' of birthing some progeny who may just be another future mediocre asshole.
I am here to say out loud that you don't have to breed to be a happy adult. Being a happy adult means making the decisions that are right for you, regardless of the people who will bear down on you to do what they think is 'right' or 'normal'. I guess those people are just proof that misery loves company and having to slave away tending to sickly or otherwise disappointing children is there lot in life, it is not for everyone. It is definitely not for me, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'll dare to be happy on my own terms.
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