A couple of months ago, I had a friend accuse me of being 'judgmental'. I thought about it for a minute and came to the realization that everyone is judgmental because we all have opinions. Whoops, sorry to be judgmental and voice my opinion. Forgive me!!
Well anyway, in retrospect, I guess I should have apologized for processing the sad-sack, pathetic stories she would spew and formulate an opinion from my natural thought process. Oh wait, no, I will never owe someone an apology for being myself and having an opinion. And in retrospect, I should have told her from the beginning, exactly what I was thinking as it would have saved me a lot of future headaches. But I digress...
After all, I listened to her opinion that at 27 she deserved an apartment in Chicago with an in-unit washer and dryer, 3 bedrooms, jet-spa bathtubs, granite counter tops, and stainless steel appliances because at her age she felt that she should have things like while only working a part-time receptionist job. When they were forced to leave this apartment because they could barley afford the rent with her husband working and when he lost his job they could no longer afford the rent at all. I listened to her complain about her mean landlord who probably just wanted them to sign a lease or get out, either way, the fact is that the guy has a property business to run and her problems were not his. Sorry!
But I never said that...
When she chose to stay in a part-time reception job that 'she loved'. I stayed quiet as her husband lost his job and watched both of them struggle to keep the expensive roof over her head that she was so deserving of. Even as she threw out her back requiring paramedics to arrive and an uninsured stay in the ER, I said nothing. I listened to her complain how the doctor screwed them over for charging her for making rounds and doing tests and how they were denied funds from a hospital charity program that pays bills for people who are needy. I kept my opinion to myself that those programs are for people who are actually needy, not for those people who simply choose to not to work.
But obviously, the hospital was just as 'judgmental' as I apparently am...
When her lifestyle could not be sustained any longer, I listened to her complain that she had to get a full-time receptionist job. And how hard it is to work full time, and keep her house clean, and play on facebook, and keep food in her mouth, and take the L to work. In fact working full time is so hard on her that she has to take a nap on her lunch break. Answering phones and filing mail is so strenuous that she must steal away in a VP's office and take a nap on the couch, and if that office is occupied by the VP doing his job then she must pull two office chairs together in an empty cube to rest after such a hard morning. Never mind that I work 40 plus hours a week, have a home to keep clean, and a dinner to put on the table. Just like everyone else. She just couldn't understand how on earth that life is possible.
And as she became more and more resentful of her husband for forcing her into full time work, I still just listened...
I guess I should have apologized for taking her out for Brunch and mani/pedi's for her Birthday. And when we went downtown to do some shopping afterward, I never should have bought the two pairs of Tory Burch shoes that I wanted because I liked them. She didn't like them and couldn't understand why I would want them or why I would want to spend $600 on shoes when she buys her clothes from consignment shops. I guess I should apologize for how I spend my discretionary income and hide it from people who may be offended, or daresay 'judgmental'. I guess I owe her an explanation for my financial successes. No wait, I don't. I work at a very demanding job, that is also a career. I will spend my money at Bloomingdale's however I see fit and still have money leftover to put in my savings accounts and 401k or else I wouldn't be shopping.
So Fuck You.
When she complained about being fat, I listened and stupidly tried to offer advice. Not to bring her down, but to legitimately try to help her. That was a mistake. After all, she is not fat because she eats too much. She is fat because she contracted parasites in Mexico 7 years ago. You see, if you snorkel in the Caribbean and accidentally swallow the sea water, you will start to uncontrollably gain weight. It will have nothing to do with in one evening eating a full value meal from McDonald's then spotting a Hardee's order a second value meal and hoovering it like an emaciated African child. When I gently offered the advice of maybe trying to record what you eat for a week because she insisted she 'doesn't eat very much', I was met with the retort 'WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!'. I should have responded with a profound 'fuck you' and ended our friendship there, however, I didn't. And that was a mistake. I know she doesn't realize that in restaurants she is the only person that eats her full deep fried meal and everyone always waited patiently while she ordered and finished dessert. But, I'm sure it's the parasites, not the White Castle, fountain sodas, Doritos, or anything else she forces down her gullet in a day that makes her obese.
Cancun Parasites.. totally legit.
I listened to her complain about her friend who got knocked up by some hillbilly who was controlling her in some cult-type atmosphere. She was planning on a caravan up to Michigan with her husband to rescue this friend from the evil clutches of hillbilly-dome. As I listened to this story, I nodded, and made profound statements such as 'wow', 'that's too bad', and 'it's horrible she got herself in that situation'. Well, with that I was met with a 'It sounds like you are judging my friend' dig. Well, I guess I was. But truthfully, I couldn't give two fucks about this girl or her situation. I was just listening to my friend drone on to be polite. Whoops. Was I supposed to just not respond in this conversation at all? What was the right answer here?
I guess I will never know...
I am happy that this friendship ended. Because it was never a real friendship to begin with and life is too short to deal with high school level drama in my 30's. My only regret is that this girl wasn't kicked to the curb before I pulled my work strings to help that leech fly out to Hawaii for our wedding. Because, strangely, she only let on how many issues she had with me and my being 'judgmental' afterwards.
Coincidence?
I do take away some valuable lessons from this situation. From this moment forward, I will work on trusting my instincts because I have learned:
1. Sometimes your first reaction and opinion of someone is the most accurate.
2. If you know someone who is constantly, 'getting screwed over' by someone, something, some company, some anything. Then that is probably a good indication that this person is quicksand and you may soon be the person who they are telling everyone that 'screwed them over'.
3. I know who my real friends are and you shouldn't have to work that hard to get along with someone.
4. You never have to apologize for who you are or what/how you feel.
5. That being judgmental only means that you have an opinion that the person you are speaking to doesn't agree with. And there is no shame in that.
