I'm surprised to discover that I really just don't like my in-laws. I know that this problem is not unique, but it is confusing nonetheless. Confusing because I'm amazed that there are two people on this planet who can manage to be so obtrusive from a 1,000 miles away.
Perhaps it was because I only saw these awful people once every couple of years that I could push their obnoxious, deplorable behavior from my mind since their presence in my life was a temporary inconvenience.
However, since John and I have been married now just over two years the in-laws have become difficult to ignore. And impossible to like.
The strange behavior started so subtly. And when John and I were taking our first steps into full-fledged adulthood and a lifelong commitment.
When John and I purchased our Lakeview condo 4 years ago, we were so happy and excited to own our first home together. Sure, our furniture was busted and mostly from IKEA and our kitchenware was leftover from college. But it was in our home, and we couldn't have been happier. We were newly engaged and excited about the steps we were taking in our lives. We were proud of what we had accomplished since graduating from college 5 years earlier, still in our 20's and living in the city.
Thus we felt it was an appropriate opportunity to invite the parents - my future in-laws - out for New Year's Eve to share in the celebration that was 2009.
Outside of an isolated hot-dog vendor incident at a Baltimore Oriole's game a couple of years prior where John's father unceremoniously screamed at the man doing his job in 80 degree heat to 'get out of his way', the majority of the interaction between us had been relatively pleasant.
Sure, they are card-carrying members of the Suburban Borg. Meaning, that they rarely if ever venture outside of their comfort zone of chain restaurants and urban family-friendly tourist traps - i.e. Chicago's Navy Pier and Baltimore's Inner Harbor - and they are that family to wear matching holiday t-shirts while singing show tunes on road trips. But hey, every family is different and I put any previous display of ass-hattery out of my mind as anyone can have a bad day.
Their arrival in Chicago started typically enough. It was pleasantly warm for late December, which tickled John's Dad to no end since the weather was more akin to the Virginia-area winter that he was used to and his refusal to accept that anywhere was different from the DC metro area.
So, embracing the unusual winter warmth, we set off to show the parents on the town and our new neighborhood. We had to partake in the typical migration of the Suburban Borg through Navy Pier, the Shed Aquarium, and the weekend's culmination of a New Year's Eve celebration sitting 3rd row at the Blue Man Group. Yes, I fell asleep only to be woken up by a Blue Man staring directly at me from 10 feet away. That shit is boring.
But to compromise, we also tried to incorporate some local flavor so they could see the city through our eyes. The first local stop we made was to our favorite little sushi BYOB, Nori. Since Nori is a BYOB, I asked John's Dad and Mom if they would like to pick up anything to drink on the way to the restaurant. 'No, No' explained John's Dad. 'I want to be around for my grandchildren' he remarked as we made our way out the door....
Okay... Not knowing how to respond to that statement and not wanting to come off as a total asshole and proclaiming our ChildFree status on the way to dinner, I let this remark go.
After stopping to get a large bottle of wine regardless and since 3 of us still wanted wine with dinner - I figured I would need it - we made it to Nori. The future in-laws are not fans of seafood but like most sushi joints a terriyaki menu is available for the non-adventurous. John and I ordered our regular maki selection while the future in-laws ordered their chicken terryaki.
John's mom was a good sport about trying a bite or two of maki, upon her own request to try it. She ate it politely and explained that it just wasn't her thing. However, when John's dad tried a small piece of a California Roll he SPIT it out with such force that it didn't land on his plate, but the shared plate of untouched maki. He then crossed his arms across his chest, protruded his lower lip in a pout that we could have parked our Jetta on and didn't utter so much as an 'excuse me'. The rest of the dinner was eaten in silence and every last drop wine was drunk, mostly by John and myself.
The next morning, I had planned a brunch at Deleece so all of our friends could meet John's family. Unfortunately, I woke up sick. Which was most likely a combination of an oncoming cold and a hangover after not being able to finish the rest of my dinner out of disgust for my future father in-law's lack of table manners and too much wine to compensate. Needless to say, I was not at my best and in retrospect, I wish I had my wits about me for what was about to occur.
Upon their arrival at the house that morning before brunch. They sat down on the couch and John's Dad leaned over in an all businesslike fashion and asked John and I how we were planning on paying for our wedding and what 'their responsibility' would be. We told them nothing as it was something we had planned on paying for ourselves. They're reaction to this seemed positive and supportive so the conversation carried on ending with a funny story of something our cat, Skizzy, liked to do.
Skizzy, had a hilarious habit of hating the phone and answering machine. Anything that he could hear a voice in he would bite it as if he were trying to let the person trapped inside the phone out. It was adorable.
Upon hearing this story, John's Dad gleefully grabbed our phone, turns on the speaker function and placed it in the litter box to get the cat to play with it. The man literally put our phone in cat shit and thought it was the funniest thing he ever could have done. The 3 of us stared at him, in total shock, that anyone would do something so asinine. Yet, he just laughed as John tried to clean our new phone off with a Clorox Wipe while staring incredulously at his father.
Thankfully, they left later that day for Virginia.
However, we wondered. Was it something we did? Did they not like the condo? Were they not happy we were getting married? After all, how could someone think it is okay to behave so disrespectfully? Especially when John and I had so many reasons to be excited? Was this a fluke occurrence?
Unfortunately, it wasn't, it was just the beginning.
